


Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

by PennamePersona



Series: It's Hard Understanding [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Earth C, Gen, Introspection, Learning how to live with everything, M/M, Post-Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 23:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13775178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: "How long will you stay?" He asks, and you shake your head."I told you, John." You say. "You've been stuck with me since we first met."orKarkat Vantas keeps vigil.





	Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess this series is a real series now, has two whole fics, what a concept!
> 
> Be aware that there's a lot of fairly depressing shit in this, due to the nature of what I'm trying to do, which is essentially focusing on the really awful things that must bounce around in everyone's brains, but specifically, in John Egbert's, because I think we tend to forget the shit he's been through and how it must affect him.

John Egbert is a marvel to you.

 

This has been true for years, but it's been ages since you thought about it. He's complicated, but he's also easy to put in a box, label as something simple, and while that's true of everyone, in some way, the thing about John is that he makes it easy on purpose.

 

He labels himself as a prankster, as simple, and most recently, as an outsider. He's spent so long imagining himself as not complex that it seems impossible to convince him otherwise.

 

But you're Karkat Vantas, stubborn since you were made by your own hands (seriously, fuck Skaia for making you have to understand that), and you made a promise.

 

You're going to show John Egbert that he matters.

 

...Also Jade Harley. You haven't forgotten that, haven't forgetter her, could never. But here's the thing about Jade Harley: she's intimidating. She scares you, not in ways you won't face to help her because you will help her, but you don't understand Jade, not like you've had to understand John. You and John were leaders made uselessly powerfully overwhelmed. Jade was made too much too fast, and that's not something you know, not like you need to - but there are people who do. Specifically, one person. As soon as you told Dave that two of the most important people he's ever known were in this kind of pain, he told you, after yanking his shades off to show how goddamn serious he was, that he had Jade, and you had John.

 

Because Dave was a time player. Because Dave was a Knight. Because Dave was two things necessary to Jade's third, and he knew how to talk about being powerful and being alone.

 

Because Dave knew what it was like to die, and more intensely, he knew what it was like to chose to live, instead, to fight his "destiny" and be the Dave of Guy, and he told you that, once, that he never wanted to be given all this power, and you'd looked at him and told him to give it back twice as hard as he got it, and that conversation showcases you and Dave both in ways you're all too aware of. 

 

But power means nothing in the face of this, and you know that. You might not remember everything that happened before John changed the whole damn world around you, but you still know loneliness. You know defeat. You know what it's like to have the whole fucking world in your hands and have that mean  _nothing_.

 

You created yourself. No one understands that except for John, and after he created everything he'd ever known, he'd seen everything he'd been given torn away from him.

 

Here's the fucking thing about this awful game, the thing you'll never get over: You were children.

 

Still are, really. You're just young people, no matter how much you've seen, but at the start of this, you were just children. Six sweeps. Thirteen years. That's nothing, really, nothing at all to the vastness of the universes you've made, and worse yet, worse still, because that's possible, apparently: These four had one day.

 

You had months. Cycles upon cycles, and you used them all, selfishly hoarding time and didn't Aradia warn you all in the ways that she does, but you did it anyway, gathered all that time to yourselves and kept it and left your creations twenty-four precious hours to do everything.

 

Dave had longer, and it killed him. Over and over, it killed him. Jade died, too, only lived again because of the loyalty of her only companion for most of her lifetime, and isn't that awful to consider, even you had more than that, in the end, more than a creature you couldn't communicate with, more than a dog and a corpse you created with your hands and really, thinking on it, it's no surprise that Jade's so torn up inside.

 

Rose and Dave, ready and willing and fighting to die, trying to keep the other alive, and thirteen years old.

 

John and Jade, silly and unprepared for the reality of expectation following through and killing them. Literally, too, John trusting a friend and being killed for it. Jade, being brave and wonderful and everything she's always been, and dying.

 

And for what? You've never been able to answer that one, really, never been able to understand the fucking point of this game, could never justify it.

 

John stirs in his sleep, and you jerk out of your stupor. You'd barely been able to wrestle him into his bed tonight, and you're not about to wake him up with your own helpless anger.

 

You've been watching over him, since Dave tasked you with taking care of him. You didn't have a plan, just knew that you were going to show him how fucking important he is, so in lieu of a real plan, you've been staying with him. He doesn't like to sleep, now, and you get it, but he needs more than the hour or two of rest every other day that he's been sticking with since coming here.

 

(How did none of you notice this sooner?)

 

Dave's been keeping Jade with people, all the time, showering her with affirmations that he's there, he's alive, Rose is there and alive, too, and what's more, there are people beyond just the RoseDaveJohnJade square - there's Kanaya, who understands the burden of Space, there's Calliope, who knows loneliness and hyper-awareness, there's Roxy who's smart as a whip and more than that, too, and Dirk who's awkward and Jake who remembers that island vividly and can share in the experience of Jade's past.

 

There's John, too, and Jade needs him, so she visits almost every day, except for the ones when John can't stand to see everyone he's disappointed, so it's just the two of you alone in this too big, too familiar house because you won't leave him alone, and you're starting to think he hates you for it.

 

John stirs again, and this time your thoughts must have been too loud, because he blinks awake.

 

"Karkat?" He murmurs, voice breathy.

 

"Right here, John." You say, moving to get up. You've been sitting for a few hours, but in a familiar position, one that doesn't hurt to stay in. You've been learning meditation, which is useful for times like these, for watching over John and thinking, thinking, thinking.

 

"How long?" He asks, and you glance at your watch, but then he speaks again. "No, not the time."

 

"What do you mean?" You ask, and he furrows his brow.

 

"How long will you stay?" He asks, and you shake your head.

 

"I told you, John." You say. "You've been stuck with me since we first met."

 

"How long will you care?" He asks, and he's starting to sound more irritated. "How long will you pretend - "

 

You kneel next to his bed, hover your hands over his until he nods, and then you're grasping his hands in yours, tightly, tight enough that he can't imagine you aren't there.

 

"I'm not pretending, John Egbert." You say, fiercely as you can. "I get it. No one else gets it like I do. I led everyone I'd ever cared about to their deaths. I watched my friends die. I watched everything get destroyed, and I watched you die, too. I watched Jade die. I watched Dave die, I watched Rose destroy herself, and I did nothing to help. I saw you, I understood you, and I knew that we were the only ones who would ever understand each other."

 

"You hated me." He says, like it's a fact.

 

"I lied to myself a lot when I was younger." You say. "It's how I got through life. You know what that's like."

 

"You said you hated me, and I told you I wasn't gay." He says, and now it's a little desperate, and you get it.

 

"Yeah," You say. "That happened."

 

"You don't hate me," He says, testing out the words. "And I'm bisexual."

 

"I don't hate you," You affirm. "And I guess so? We've never really talked about your sexuality, not since we first met, but if you say so, John."

 

"I am," He says, eyes slightly glossy. "Talked about it with Jade. With Rose. With...thought I talked about it with you."

 

"It's alright," You say. "Maybe we did. Maybe it was a different timeline."

 

"You're my favorite troll," He says, and his hands go limp in yours as he falls, very suddenly, back asleep.

 

You release his hands and turn so you're leaning against the wall next to his bed. You settle in for a restless night, prepared to meditate however much you can.

 

A while later, maybe an hour or two, John jerks awake again. It takes you a moment to get up, just long enough for him to start to settle himself back down, too accustomed to suppressing himself to stop now.

 

"Hey," You say. "It's alright. You're safe, I'm here, you're here, everything's alright."

 

He looks at you with the eyes of a god, and you don't back down. You're Karkat Vantas, and you know what you're going to do, and damn if you don't stick to your guns.

 

"Karkat," He says, after his eyes have settled to something closer to what you'd call normal. "You need to sleep."

 

"John," You reply. "I don't need sleep like you do. I'll be - "

 

"No one is fine," He says, voice breathy again. "Sleep with me."

 

You're tired. That's what you tell yourself. He's right, you're tired, and you do need sleep soon, or else you can't do what you need to. So you climb into John's bed, and the two of you fall asleep.

 

The two of you fall asleep, and for however long you sleep, it settles you back into familiarity, onto equal ground.

 

You dream of a chessboard battlefield, of fire, of doom. You see blue, and you don't know if it's John or Skaia, but you know it's destiny, either way.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.pennamepersona.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
>  


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